Reading about David Geffen has prompted some Self-Reflection

Over the past few years, I’ve learned a lot about what I don’t want to do.

I worked on a few film sets, twice as a production assistant and once as a script supervisor. While I feel like I learned a lot about the process of actually making a film, I didn’t actually like being on set that much. I felt out of place in a place that I felt I should be at home in. During the production of one film I was working on, I was also volunteering at a fashion week event in Downtown LA working with talent, and I found that I loved doing that much more than being a production assistant or script supervisor. So after that, I ruled out set production as a career choice.

In the past month, or so, I’ve been trying my hand at screenwriting. I’ve been having a deliciously great time reading professional scripts and reading about what makes a perfect script perfect. I love learning about great screenwriters and screenplays and I’ve been educating myself on proper screenplay format and screenwriting rules. So after I felt like I had a good hand on screenwriting basics, I started to try to write my own screenplay. And to my dismay, I haven’t been able to write anything. Anything at all. I can’t even get out an idea that I like enough to develop into a complete story. I think I’m even more disappointed at my current screenwriting failures because I had opened myself up to the idea of being a professional screenwriter.  Granted, I had never formed that idea fully, and I hadn’t seriously considered being a screenwriter full-time. I guess I had just synthesized that I love to write, and I love movies, so then I should just write movies, and maybe that will come naturally to me. However, my dappling into screenwriting has proved just the opposite, I’m not a natural at writing movies, not at all, which has insanely frustrated me for a while now.

But now that I think about it, I don’t think I’d like being a screenwriter very much. When it comes to my creative writing, I severely cripple myself by being my harshest critic. I can be perfectly reasonable about other people’s work, but when it comes to my own work, I’ll tear it to pieces, even if I once thought it was good. I don’t think I’d be able to live with being at odds with myself all of the time. So, I cannot be a screenwriter.

My disinterest in working on set and writing movies has bothered me though. I’ve always thought of myself as a creative person who should be working in a creative outlet surrounded by other creative people. To my surprise, I don’t see myself working in the creative side of film. That world just doesn’t fit me, and its a bit troubling.

After a session of beating myself up about having a life crisis, I decided to take inventory of what it is I like to do in my life. I love seeing other talented people shine, especially when I believe in them first hand. I love reading scripts… a lot… like more than what is normally accepted as being a healthy interest. I like to organize and manage things, and I like to help others organize things and manage things. So, I’ve figured out that I need to work on the business side of film with talent or dealing with developing scripts into movies.

Self-Reflection does have it’s downsides though; a week ago, I was still sort of excited about trying to write a screenplay, now, I dread writing a screenplay because I don’t know what to do with it. I open the document that houses my screenplay and the cursor stares at me like a little demon screaming at me to write until all my creativity has left my body. (Edit: I deleted the document that housed my never-to-be finished screenplay; that cursor had to go.) A possible future that I could have had is now gone, which felt sad for a while, but that emotion has now subsided.

David Geffen steps into this picture because after my huge moment of serious self reflection that led to a light-depression, I decided to distract myself by reading a bit of The Operator by Tom King, which is a biography on David Geffen. Geffen is not a creative force in Hollywood in the classical way, he doesn’t write movies or act in them, nor does he write music or play music, but he has had a hand in ushering some of the best talent Hollywood has ever seen into the spotlight. While I don’t know how fulfilled he is by his job as a talent manager/agent/media mogul (I haven’t gotten to the end of the book yet), I can see why Geffen might really, really love his job. The more I read about Geffen and his career, the more I want to do what he does. Not in the same way, of course. I don’t share his passion for the music business. However, I can see how creativity can be channeled through business moves and management deals.

It’s quite possible that I can go into the business aspect of the film industry and still be a creative person surrounded by creative people who do creative things. After spending some time having a private life crisis, I do believe I have a direction to float towards now.

I’m quite excited to explore what it is I do want to do. And for the next half of my film education, I hope to be exploring a lot more things I do like to do, and hopefully, I’ll find my niche.

Onto the future…

The Mailroom: Hollywood History from the Bottom Up

A few months ago I decided that I needed to learn more about the business behind Hollywoodland, so I bought a few books on the subject off of Amazon.

I got The Mailroom: Hollywood History from the Bottom Up expecting it to be an entertaining story about the grunt work afflicted onto young aspiring kids. I didn’t expect it to actually be educational at all, but it happens to be an extremely good source of history and education. The book is basically an oral history of the way some of the biggest moguls in Hollywood started out. This book features interviews from David Geffen and Michael Ovtiz, and other really, really important people. These are things that I wouldn’t have learned either way, you just don’t get to ask David Geffen about his experiences in the mailroom.

Before reading this book, I had never really put much thought into agencies and what agents do. I knew they existed, but I never really thought about their impact on the entertainment business and their relevance. While the shitty grunt work that baby agents have to go through doesn’t sound appealing at all, the lifestyle an agent lives does. It strikes me that nearly all of the people in this book describe being an agent as not just a job, but a lifestyle. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around taking in Hollywood as not just a job, but a life to ascribe to. It sounds crazy, but I think its something I see myself doing. I’ve always been an “all or nothing” type of gal, and being an agent and absorbing the agent lifestyle just sounds like a natural course of action. Maybe I’m just young and impressionable and easily wooed by the glamorous life of being in the center of the industry, or maybe I really am crazy enough to get on the path to be an agent.

To wrap my head around the fact that David Geffen and Michael Ovtiz started out on the bottom of the pole in a mailroom and now they are David Geffen and Michael Ovtiz is difficult. To me, they’re such big names with so much clout and influence over the industry, but in all reality, they were dreamers who worked harder than just about anyone else.

Then I start to wonder, do I want that much power? Yes. Am I willing to sacrifice a lot personally to get to the level of those men? Yes. Am I willing to work that damn hard? I think so.

There are too many choices in life, I think I seem to be one of the few who looks at life in that way. I feel like I could do nearly anything I wanted to do because I’m willing do to the work. I want to work in entertainment, and that’s my final goal, but when I start to think about how my future will look in such an uncertain industry, I do start to wonder if I should be pursuing my dreams so hard. I could easily do something that would provide a lot more stability later in life. I’d be able to live normally and live a comfortable life. But I don’t think I would like living my life so safely. I don’t like the idea of pursuing something because its “comfortable”; “comfort” should be left to furniture. I like the uncertainty that comes with the film industry, I like the idea that if I work harder than anyone else I can get to whatever heights I feel like getting to.

The Mailroom is teaching me a lot while reinforcing my decision to pursue a career in entertainment. These people I’m reading about are written into the pages of Hollywood History, maybe one day I’ll be written into the pages of Hollywood History. I haven’t even gotten my first real job in Hollywood and I’m already thinking of the history I could make… I’ve always thought a little too far ahead.